


A perfect denial

by captainofthewinter (promisesofhappiness)



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-21
Updated: 2014-04-21
Packaged: 2018-01-20 06:23:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1499975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/promisesofhappiness/pseuds/captainofthewinter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve is radiant and genuine, and Bucky will always need him, to be himself. He will always care for him, even when he doesn't remember him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A perfect denial

**Author's Note:**

> Because of Bucky feels.

 Steve is small, and frail, too fragile and genuine for this world. He's too good to suffer this much, just a small body, wrecked by coughs and fever. And the fever won't back down, won't let Steve be. It fills Bucky's chest with desperation and anguish. Steve has to survive, because there's no Bucky without Steve. How would Bucky get through the motions without Steve grounding him? 

 So Bucky stays by his side, urging, pleading him to drink more water, because, _come on Stevie, your body needs it, please_. And Steve obliges, and that's a really bad sign, because he has lost his fight, his fire. It's this fire that burns his body with a fever, and Steve's eyes are hazy, and his smile weak. Even now, he tries to console Bucky. It makes tears burn on his throat. 

 So Bucky opts for his last solution, his last hope, and goes to the church, prays to a God he no longer believes to, but Steve does, and he will pray for Steve, for his soul. He lets himself free and sobs in the still and quiet of the chamber, under His watchful eye, and pleads for Steve's life. _Save him, take me, anything for him_. He knows that, if God is trully magnanimous and benevolent, he will help him, he won't judge his less than normal or holly feelings for his best friend. When he gets back, Steve is sipping at his broth and rolls his blue,blue,blue eyes at Bucky's radiant smile, calls him a jerk. Bucky laughs and it comes easy and smooth ( parts thankful) and claps him, carefully, on the shoulder. Next time he passes by the church, he thanks whatever entity, whatever God, kept Steve at his side.

* * *

 

 His skin burns, his insides burn, and his mind is running away. There are needles in his skin, but he doesn't care anymore. He knows that his chances of going back are slim at best, and Steve is going to be all alone. He will probably not make it past this winter, all frail bones and aweful coughs. He cries, because the pain is too much, and he regrets joining the army, regrets leaving Steve, Stevie, all alone with the bullies and the cold of the winter nights. He sails in his mind, to the past, warm smiles and sky blue eyes.

 Alarms ring in the distance and his tormentors leave, run away. He is is left alone in the bed, feeling like a lab rat, raw skin and fiery insides. He remains there, nowhere to go, losing hope and thinking of sunlight hair. Then there's a familiar voice calling his name, and he thinks he's lost it, because Steve can't be here, not in this hell hole. But, that's Steve's face in front of him, gold hair and bright eyes.

 " I thought you were dead" he says, and Bucky inhales, because, Steve is here, he saved Bucky, he is here. I love you, he thinks.

 "I thought you were smaller" he says instead, and it's true. Now he's all muscles and he's tall, so tall and strong, he can jump too far and he hugs him tight and close. They get out while the building explodes, leading the captured men to freedom, and Bucky's heart explodes in his chest, because, he loves this man.

* * *

 He is hiding, and his gun is empty of bullets, and he tries hard not to despair. He breathes in and looks up, only to see Steve on the window, nodding towards the gun he's holding. Some quick moves and the gun is in Bucky's hand and he shoots, enemy down. " I had him" "On the ropes, I know" Steve smiles, and it's so sweet. For a moment, Bucky forgets Peggy Carter and her red,red dress and Steve's heart eyes at her and thinks Steve could perhaps love him bak, but the moment is last when Steve pushes him to the side, protecting him. But Steve falls and it's the only thing Bucky can do, to pick up the shield and shoot at the robot? man? But there's a push, a blast, and he's flying out of the train, barely hanging on from a piece of metal, just above the gap. Steve appears, pleading him to reach for his hand, but the metal gives and Bucky goes flying down, screaming Steve's name. There's air around him, and he's flying for some moments, but then there's pain, so much pain on his side, his arm, when he hits the ground. He's cold and pained, and his last thoughts are Steve's eyes and the desperation in his eyes. The unconciousness claims him and he's lost to the world.

* * *

  Next time he wakes up it's like a dream, his hands weird, one metal, one bone and flesh. There are people around him, and he grabs one by the neck, cold metal against frail bones. He swings, and the man goes flying, only to be replaced by another. He is short, and seems annoying, tells him he's to be a weapon for Hydra, he is Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. They put him in ice and there's no more.

* * *

 They call him the Winter Soldier. A masterful assassin, unmatched. A ghost to everyone but his masters, his handlers. He's killed too many, cares too little. He is ruthless because he has no memories, no remorse, no feelings. He knows how to seduce giggling maidens -dames, he thinks, but that's strange- to extract valuable information, how to observe and extract everything valuable. What he knows best is the screams in his ears, when his victims plead, the thrill of the hunt, the satisfaction of success and the pain, the aweful pain of being wiped out, tortured, erased. A man with no origins, a man with no identity, that's what he is, if a man at all.

 He tries not to think of the familiar face of Howard Stark, because he has not been in America, has never seen him before, he is sure. Or is he? There's a twinge in his heart, in his mind, same from when they took away a girl with frightening talent and too red hair from him. He remembers caring, he remembers kissing her, back then. They learn, and the pain is too much when they wipe them, her, out. Then he's put in the ice again, and knows no more.

* * *

 "Your target is Nick Fury" they tell him, as soon as he wakes up and moves. In the file, the man is wearing an eye patch and looks strong and determined. It would be a challenge for any other man, but he is the Winter Soldier. He attacks, but the man escapes, even though his car has exploded, and he much me too injured. The thrill of the hunt fills him once more, and he tracks Nick Fury's steps, until he reaches an appartment. It's too simple to be his, and his guesses come true, when another man, tall,blond, arrives. He lets them talk for a while, as a last favor, and presses the trigger. The man is down and he is hunted. The blond man manages to catch up, and it's an oddity on itself. He catched the shield aimed for his head, too much force behind the hit. He knows that, had it not been for his metal arm, he would be sent flying. So he tosses is back and leaps, disappearing. This man is a mystery.

 Pierce tells him he has to kill Captain America, and shoots a maid without blinking. He has no choice but to oblige. Only, the man in the bridge, Captain America, looks at him in desperation and too much pain and calls him Bucky. "Who the hell is Bucky?" he asks, because there's a twinge of recognision in the blankness of his mind, he knows this man. When he asks Pierce, he gets slapped, and ordered to kill Captain America soon. But, he knew the man on the bridge. He is sure. They tie him onto the chair, and there's rubber in his mouth. His muscles clench, because he knows what's going to follow. He can't help the screams that fly from his mouth, because the pain is always terrible.

* * *

 He is trapped under the falling debris, and Captain America is helping him. It makes him want to yell at him, because he hit and shot at this man, too many times.

"You know me" he says, and he is angry,

"No I don't" he yells and rashes against him. He hits and the man won't defend himself, won't move against him.

"You are my friend" he says, dropping the shield and rage is deep in his gut.

"You are my mission" He punches, and punches, until they fall down.

" **You're. My. Mission** " he growls in between punches, and he fills like he's punching himself.

"Then finish it" the words make him stop. "because I am with you till the end of the line" He is hit by a wave of recognision.He remembers saying those wards, those same words, to a boy with golden hair and too frail body. He _knows_ this man. He is sure. He looks at him, and these sky blue eyes are so,so familiar, even behind the bruises _he_ put there.

But then the floor dislodges and the man, _Steve, his name is Steve_ , falls, falls into the water below, and terror chokes him. Steve is not supposed to get hurt. So he dives behind him, pulls him out. Steve is breathing, swallow but steady, and he knows he's gonna be alright. What he needs now is answers. Answers to who his is, who is the man that is too important to kill. So he leaves, not looking behind. He knows Steve will be fine. He doesn't know how, but he knows.

* * *

 The face is the same, yet it's not. The man in the picture, James Buchanan Barnes, is a hero of war, is Captain America's best friend. The Winter Soldier is an assassin, sent to kill him. Yet, he cannot. Because, in that video, Barnes looks at Steve and it's like he's looking at his own personal sun, and he knows the feeling. He knows it in the tremble of his once steady and sure hands and his urge to look for Steve, to see if he's alright. He learns about the plane, reads about it's descovery and Steve's body, alive under the ice. It's the same, yet different. Steve didn't kill young children as a means of intimidation, didn't have to pull out a still beating heart out of a scientist's chest, just because he was an enemy to the Motherland. But it's not Motherland, and it was all in vain. Anguish fills him and he flees.

* * *

 Steve knows him far too well, knows Bucky Barnes better than his own palm, and soon he is in front of his door, in a rundown hostel in Ukraine. His eyes are hard and angry, not at him, but at those who tortured and made him into this. Bucky, because that has to be his name, lets him in, because he can't turn away, and tells him he want to take revenge. Steve agrees. They set off together, and there's a strange emotion in Bucky's chest.

* * *

 He regains part of his memories, and Steve is there, confirming or denying, smiling and frowning. He talks about the past, teases Steve about Peggy Carter, but Steve tells him he was,is, in love with someone else. It's only after a too risky mission on finding one of Bucky's tormentors that Steve slams him on the wall and kisses him, fierce and loving. It's enough to make him smile for the first time in,well, almost seven decades.

"You're a punk" he whispers in Steve's mouth, and he laughs, and it's glorious.

"Jerk"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
